The Angry Telemarketer

For those of you who don't read...

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 15:26:14 -0400

I’m no longer a telemarketer. If you’re interested, follow my new, personal, less interesting blog at whymustusernamesbeclever.tumblr.com

I’m leaving this page up for all the future telemarketers to read.

Its been a good run, but...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 15:27:37 -0400

I’m no longer a telemarketer as of the time this post is published. Seeing as that means I have no right to continue posting as a telemarketer after that, I’m ending this blog. I think I’m going to reassign it’s email and start blogging under a new name, so the page can continue to exist, or perhaps I will just change this blog’s title and continue under here. It’s unfortunate that this is not a sideblog. Either way, keep calling and carry on.

*click*

Criminals

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 15:28:22 -0400

Me: Hello, 'Joe'?
'Joe': Hey.
Me: Great to get a hold of you, my names 'Me', and I'm hired by 'some police organization'. How are you doing today?
'Joe': Are you calling to arrest me?
Me: No no, nothing like that. We're calling for fundraising for the organization.
'Joe': Oh, so if I donate you won't arrest me?
Me: If you've done something illegal, the police will still arrest you. Otherwise, no, they will not. Have you?
'Joe': Why yes, but I haven't been caught.
Me: That's great to hear 'Joe'! Probably bad for society but who cares?! Let me tell you a bit about the association...
*click*

I talked to a man today...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:22:38 -0400

who had a British accent that was so snobby that my unworthy ears simply could not understand him.

I talked to a man named Mr. Wright today...

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 15:27:27 -0400

He divorced his wife. Well played, Mr. Wright.

Sugardaddy

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 15:26:38 -0400

Me: Hello, “Mr. Marvis”?

Man: Please, call me Sugardaddy.

Me: That’s your name..?

Sugardaddy: Has been since 1978.

Me: …what?

*click*

Hello, this is the Angry Telemarketer...

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 12:31:00 -0400

…hired by the National Poop association. How are you today?

Great! Since 1969, the NPA has been promoting the important role that poop plays in modern society. We are calling today as a public service to remind you to always poop in the toilet; the NSA is having their annual fundraiser. The money raised will go towards better toilets and toilet paper for everyone who poops. As a paid caller with the NSA, we are calling in hopes that we can count on your one-time, tax deductible donation for the drive. Our top “Pooper Trooper” sponsorships are 3 shits, 2 shits, or 1 shit. Can you help us out with one of these?

submitted by: Extrospectrum

I was talking to my boss today...

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 15:23:09 -0400

He told me that he doesn’t go to strip clubs because he doesn’t get paid enough to make it rain. He makes it hail. Pretty deep for a strip club joke. Well played, Bossman

I talked to a woman who told me...

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 15:27:07 -0400

…if I was calling for a fund working against police racism and brutality she would donate, instead of the police fund I was calling for. Score one for society.

Messing with telemarketers: episode 2

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:47:09 -0400

maraglen:

Me: Hello.
Telemarketer: May I speak to the owner of the house please?
Me: Banana.
Telemarketer: um, what?
Me: Pear.
Telemarketer: I’m calling from Air Duct Cleaning Services and are you the owner of the—
Me: Grapefruit.
Telemarketer: What are you—
Me: Apple.
Telemarketer: Why are y—
Me: Plum!
Telemarketer: Can you hear me? I’m looking for the owner of the—
Me: Orange?
Telemarketer: Hello? Hello?
Me: Mangos.
Telemarketer: THE OWNER OF THE—
Me: KIWI! KIWI! KIWI!!!
Telemarketer: What are you…Would you stop—
Me: NECTARINE!!! NECTARINE!!! NECTARINE!!!!
Telemarketer: (hangs up).
Me: Victory by fruit.

Why are people never this funny to me?

keep-your-masks-on: me: sleeping phone: RING RING BITCH me: (thinking) it’s my mom…...

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:46:11 -0400

keep-your-masks-on:

me: *sleeping*
phone: *RING RING BITCH*
me: (thinking) it’s my mom… *gets up and answers phone* “Hello?”
phone: Hey! Are you interesting in possibly buying…
me: How about you go to the roof, and jump… You woke me up…
phone: It’s 3 pm?
me: suck a dick. *hangs up*

Fucking telemarketers.

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:45:40 -0400

edwardgorman:

Literally FIVE different telemarketers called in the last 20 minutes. Fucking hell. Go fuck off.

No.

Pretty Good

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 15:16:02 -0400

Me: Hey, ‘John’?
‘John’: How are ya?
Me: I’m doing well, how are you?
‘John’: Eh…I’m…preeeetty gooooood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a3bUiYTO0E

Ponzi

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 15:29:38 -0400

Me: Hello, 'Meg'?
'Meg': Hi.
Me: Great to get a hold of you. This is 'me', hired by 'some company'. How are you doing today?
'Meg': Listen, I was the victim of a very large Ponzi Scheme recently. I have absolutely no money to give you.
Me: ...-_-
*click*

People who talk quietly on the phone.

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 16:47:35 -0400

People who talk quietly on the phone.

I am done telemarketing (hopefully forever)...

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:51:24 -0400

…in a few weeks. Don’t panic, I still have plenty of quirky anecdotes. I just really wish this was a side blog. Alas, it is not. Now I must face the panic of running out of material and having to try to switch this to a side blog.

raaynee: and someone I talked to was like, Hey! You should get a job as a telemarketer! They make...

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:17:41 -0400

raaynee:

and someone I talked to was like, Hey! You should get a job as a telemarketer! They make good money!

And I was just like..

No

lol

rojira: call me one more time u fucker one more time. Its on.

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 23:01:13 -0400

rojira:

call me one more time u fucker

one more time.

Its on.

I think I just made a telemarketer cry ;-;

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 23:00:33 -0400

You did not.
Just saying, bro.

I talked to a woman today who was selling her home so her son could attend college...

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 23:46:02 -0400

Parents are really awesome.

Or really good at lying to telemarketers to get them to go away…

Well played, woman.

The Angry Telemarketer

For those of you who don't read...

Its been a good run, but...

Criminals

I talked to a man today...

I talked to a man named Mr. Wright today...

Sugardaddy

Hello, this is the Angry Telemarketer...

I was talking to my boss today...

I talked to a woman who told me...

Messing with telemarketers: episode 2

keep-your-masks-on: me: *sleeping* phone: *RING RING BITCH* me: (thinking) it’s my mom…...

Fucking telemarketers.

Pretty Good

Ponzi

People who talk quietly on the phone.

I am done telemarketing (hopefully forever)...

raaynee: and someone I talked to was like, Hey! You should get a job as a telemarketer! They make...

rojira: call me one more time u fucker one more time. Its on.

I think I just made a telemarketer cry ;-;

I talked to a woman today who was selling her home so her son could attend college...

keep-your-masks-on: me: sleeping phone: RING RING BITCH me: (thinking) it’s my mom…...